Some People Should Really Just Stick to the Script

Loyal followers may recall that my partner is an aweful cook. Just the worst. I mean, he’s a great guy in sooo many ways, just cooking isn’t one of them. 

Last Wednesday it was Roger’s birthday.I wanted to make him something special. Since he doesn’t like cake, or chocolate, I decided to bake him some granola bars. They turned out pretty well, so Roger insisted I give him the recipe. I actually just threw some eggs, oatmeal, milk, vanilla, honey, and dried fruit into a pan and stuck it in the oven, but I tried to make it sound as methodical as possible. Clearly I didn’t do a very good job, because I just had this conversation:

Roger: I just made granola bars and the didn’t stick together.

Me: awe. Did you add milk? I swear that’s the secret.

Roger: No i did not. Haha dammit. Next time I will. I added coffee cream

Me: …for real?

Roger: …I wanted to make an experiment.

Me: So did it have any effect at all?

Roger: hard to tell. But it looks whiter.

Me: That’s what oatmeal needs to be. Whiter.

brvdleysoileau:

how is “slut” even an insult wtf get that dick grl

zimothy:

quazza:

i am reminded that english is a flawed language every time I am forced to use “that that” in a sentence

or had had

ebenezerjonessdiary:

littlemixbutts:

bodenniss:

littlemixbutts:

i wish i was a mermaid so i could have a nice shiny tail and a pretty seashell bra and a beautiful voice that i could use to entice cute boys and make them crash their ships and drown at sea so human women could rise as the dominate gender of the land

well that escalated quickly

paige i’m a lesbian why would i entice cute boys where did you think that post was going

#KILL PIRATES #STEAL THEIR GOLD #USE IT TO FUND AQUATIC MATRIARCHY

Pure happiness

morrissarty:

the best of tumblr confusion

When I pulled this orange out of my lunch today I actually stroked it’s scar and said in my head (with my vengeful whisper voice) “who has done this to you?”

I don’t even have to try to be melodramatic anymore.